When Harry Met Sally, They Got It All Wrong
Credit: Jessie Sher
By Erin Deborah
"What I'm saying is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way."
It’s true, some of the best relationships start as friendships. I would argue great relationships and friendships share basic foundations - trust, honesty, shared values.
But the line from what is arguably my favourite romantic comedy is particularly controversial: it’s scathing of straight men. Billy Crystal’s sardonic ‘Harry’ appears totally content with his belief that straight men always want to sleep with their female friends. A film stuck in its time (although that, in itself, has its own implications), it seems to suggest all heterosexual men want from relationships is sex.
It’s incredibly reductive to the LGBT+ community too, a typical example of the heteronormativity deeply ingrained into our society. The notion that we must be wary of any friends attracted to the gender with which we identify is at best worrying, at worst dangerous and problematic. Can I not trust my straight male friends around me, purely because they are straight and male? Should I stop inviting my gay female friends over, just because they are gay and female?
Naturally (*insert eye roll here*).
I hope we are moving beyond this rhetoric, but I nonetheless question why so many people believe heterosexual male-female friendships can never be just that. Maybe it’s because we love the friends-turned-lovers storyline, or because we know a couple who started as best friends first. Maybe we even project our own experiences onto it.
Armed with my staunch belief that straight men and women can just be friends - and here I mean best friends, not just go-for-a-pint mates - I went on a rampage, asking everyone I know: can straight guys and girls be best friends?
Almost every single one of my female friends said yes. One asked if this article was actually just me trying to send a message to a particular ‘friend’ of mine, but still believed yes - on principle. Take from that what you will.
Most of my male friends agreed too. My friend Barney aptly told me: “Yes, because otherwise humanity has no hope.” Michael backed him up, saying he had a female best friend at school, and “even though both of our parents explicitly told us that they would be very happy if we got married there were never any romantic feelings between us whatsoever.” Jordan, as blunt as ever, added, “of course they can. I have lots of female friends. Do I want to date them? No.”
Many of them believe that while there are differences between friendships and relationships, there is also a lot of common ground. Noah told me, “I suppose a lot of the things that people enjoy about close friendships are also what people value in relationships - trust, values and common enjoyment. So I suppose lines become very blurred. Overall, I believe that you can be best friends across gender but you have to trust yourself to set boundaries, especially if you are in a relationship.”
These blurred lines are more evident in some cases. As much as I believe in straight male-female friendships, I do concede that some of them are doomed to fail - namely, if one is attracted to the other. My friend Callum believes this is quite common: “I’d say yes they can, but there’s likely to be one of them that’s been attracted to the other at some point.” Very valid point - a lot of us have been there ourselves. Another friend, who unsurprisingly preferred to remain nameless, told me that having slept with some of his best friends, he wasn’t sure he could corroborate my belief with hard evidence.
There’s also sometimes a different, and often valuable, dynamic with close friends of the opposite sex. Adam said: “For me, when I’m friends with someone that’s a girl, there is sometimes meaningless flirting but neither of us are going to act on it. Especially for guys who are not stereotypically masculine, the female perspective is quite handy sometimes, quite refreshing. Doesn’t mean I want to date them.” It’s good to know the hours I’ve spent with him over the last ten years of friendship weren’t a devious ploy to do a Mr Darcy and run off with me.
They’re an interesting bunch, my friends. I left my period of ‘research’ with my faith restored in humans - and in men.
