Musings Of A Girl, Anxious In Love
By Erin Deborah Waks
I assumed when I finally fell in love, it would be with someone I knew was right. But when you’re with someone who tells you they love you, who says all the right things, who buys and makes beautiful gifts, can it be possible to decipher the truth that lies beneath that pretty facade? Would my worries be easily appeased, anxious thoughts rapidly dismissed? What would that feel like, being with someone who, despite the right actions, you just couldn’t trust really wanted to be with you?
I guess it would be like crying to your friends that things don’t feel okay, to be told ‘just talk to him about it, he’s your boyfriend’, but knowing if you did you’d be met with a nonchalant shrug, silence, an exasperated ‘why wouldn’t it be?’ and end up feeling worse.
It would, maybe, be like ignoring the daily migraines, constant nausea, visit to A&E without him, panic attacks in the night, anxiety at work, weight loss so dramatic you’re at your lowest weight since you were 14.
Like starting to accept the bad days, but noticing they slowly all just become ‘days’.
Being in love for the first time and wanting to write about it, but somehow feeling like you have nothing to say.
Wanting to spend all your time with him, rearrange your hectic diary for him, but knowing he’s only in it part-time.
Worrying so much that he won’t feel like he’s enough for you that you forget to work out if he actually is.
Asking if he’ll be there if you need him, to be told yes, but rarely actually seeing him drop everything for you.
Listening to love songs, only to realise the breakup ones make more sense.
Having to say you’re strong, rather than feeling it.
Feeling so much better around him that the rest of your life feels dull. Until it doesn’t feel better with him, and you’re suddenly left with this gaping hole where your sparkle used to be.
Hiding small things that upset you from your friends, because you know they’d see right through him - and you’re not ready yet to let him go.
Believing love is worth fighting for, but deep down knowing you’re the only one fighting.
Convincing yourself you’re the problem for feeling anxious all the time, when in truth, you were rightly anxious all along.
Worrying he won’t love you because you’re this anxious mess, when it’s his half-hearted love that made you that way.
Knowing he wants to want you, is trying to want you, but doesn’t, in his heart, want you.
I guess it would feel like thinking a breakup would be the most heartbreaking thing in the world, the thing you wouldn’t be able to handle. Until it happened - and you’d realise it was the relationship breaking your heart all along.
