Being in Love

Photo credit @Erin Deborah Waks

By Erin Deborah Waks

I’ve spent a lot of my life wanting to be in a relationship. It seems to come so easily to some people – meet someone, decide you like them, date, date some more, and bam: you’re “in a relationship.” I’ve certainly completed two of the stages – the meeting someone you like, and the dating part. Just rarely both with the same person. 

I’ve also approached dating the way I approach many things in my life – with a plan, dedication, and action. I’ve used dating apps, flirted with men in bars, and even let my friends set me up. Yet however much I put myself out there, the results are rarely fruitful. Because unlike anything else in my life, falling in love doesn’t follow a carefully constructed and well-researched plan. It seems as though my usual go-getter philosophy is more draining than empowering when it comes to love.

I always believe I can do whatever I put my heart into, and it’s usually worked for me. Doesn’t mean it always comes easily, though. I’ve just been offered my dream job, but only after years of always being the hardest working person in a room. I have the world’s best friends who show me unconditional love and support, but only after years of toxic friendships and toxicity within friendships (there’s a ginormous difference, trust me). I have a really strong foundation with myself – but that has been the biggest struggle of all. 

Still, falling in love eludes me. Manifestation and active pursuit have done little except open my eyes to what I don’t want in a relationship. I don’t want boredom, arrogance, coolness, status, wealth, power, or “one of the boys.” I don’t want insecurity, drama, danger even. I want a partnership. Someone who I respect and trust and want around me more than I want to protect myself from hurt. 

I recently read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and it offered me a possible alternative to this constant dating and disappointment I feel like I’m forcing myself through. When we strive toward a goal, we feel as though we are positively reminding ourselves of what is important. But inversely, rather, we are merely reinforcing the idea that said goal is something we lack. It struck a nerve. If every time I download a dating app, drag myself on another date with another man, or read a book about falling in love, I am just reinforcing the fact that I am lacking a relationship, I’ll never be as truly happy single as I keep saying I am. 

Maybe the plan, then, as immaculate as it seems, is quite simply not the way to fall in love. Maybe.