A letter To My Younger Self
By Erin Deborah Waks
There are so many things I would say to my younger self if I could meet her now. Triggered by a recent conversation, I’ve found myself pondering how poignant it would be to see, compare, the girl I was to the woman I am. I feel this urge to put pen to paper and concretise what it is I would tell that girl. The one so full of love, happiness and zest for life, but also such pain, insecurity and fear.
Erin, you’ll learn to love yourself. You might hate so much now – the way you look, the way people look at you (or, even worse, the way they don’t), the way you feel about difficult things that seem so easy to others. The way you’re painted as a smart girl, but never a pretty one. But the best things come to those who wait. Easy means nothing. You’ll be the most fulfilled by the things that take time to build.
Keep being your Type-A, overachieving, highly strung, overthinking self. Your obsessive need to do everything perfectly will slowly seep away over time as you discover what is truly important, but the skills you’ll learn on the way to being the diligent, hard-working, intelligent journalist you’ll become will be so, unequivocally, worth it.
You will learn to eat. Eat without counting every calorie, without punishing yourself for watching your body change, without feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt for skipping a workout. The gym will become a safe space, a way to heal and strengthen your body, not make it smaller to diminish your presence in the world. One day you’ll find yourself consuming cocktails, ice cream, lattes, Italian food and everything else that so terrifies you now.
Carry on seeing the good in all people, but don’t give your whole self over to just anyone. Just because you only ever want beautiful things for the world, want happiness for others, it doesn’t mean everyone else feels the same way. Some people, some of the people you’re going to call your friends, will drag you down and eat away at the confidence you’ve spent years trying to cultivate. Let them. It’s through those dark, twisted relationships that you’ll decide, without a doubt, how you will let yourself be treated and who you will let into your heart.
That amazing circle of friends you see in the movies but can’t quite fathom for yourself? You’ll get it. It’ll happen when you least feel like you need it, and for that it will be worth so much more. People who will answer the phone when you call and make all the time in the world for you. But more importantly, people who understand you and love you for who you are – flaws and all. Love them - and let them love you back. Trust your instincts and learn to discern if you can believe them when they tell you how much they care about you, and how lovable you are.
Oh, and also, write. It will save you. Every single time.
I’d love to tell younger Erin this, to protect her. But, in truth, I’m glad I can’t meet her, warn her, teach her. Because it’s not what I learnt that matters, it’s the feelings I felt and process I went through to get there. To get here.
