Army

By Erin Deborah Waks

The dictionary defines an army as a ‘large, organised body of armed personnel trained for war’. I’d say that’s pretty accurate. My army is large enough, certainly organised (mainly through WhatsApp groups, admittedly, but what better form of organisation is there?), definitely armed (with chocolate, ice cream, blankets, flowers, sushi, cuddles, reassuring words and wine) and, most assuredly, trained for war. And by war, I mean the vicissitudes of girlhood. 

A major vicissitude faced by many of us in our twenties? A breakup. And, as far as I was concerned, I had absolutely no idea how I’d cope with one.

When I envisaged it before the event itself, I pictured myself doing all sorts of crazy things. Bleaching my hair blonde. Getting drunk out of my mind. Taking drugs, having sex with strange men and jumping into a new relationship with someone else.

When it actually happened, though, none of those appealed. Instead of the reckless abandon, the panic, the chaos, the anxiety, I thought would flood my bones in a state of heartbreak, I was left sad, yet calm - and desperate to be surrounded by my army.

The Chief of Staff was up with me at 4.30am as I awoke with the strongest sense of self and conviction I’d had in months, supporting me as I told her that today, I realised my relationship was over.

Another soldier called me within minutes of the event itself, talking me down from tears as I got on the tube.

Two squished me in a blanket as I sobbed while we watched Disney films, and then danced with me in the kitchen moments later.

One bought me a hydrangea and some chocolates with a mug labelled ‘Best Person Ever’.

One sent me a huge bouquet of flowers with a card that read, ‘I’m sorry for his loss.’

One almost flew home from Bali until I calmly reassured her I really, really was okay.

All of them flooded my phone with words of love, offers of support and a hand to hold. All of them listened to me talk, at length, about everything I was feeling. All of them did it with such ease, kindness and compassion. 

All of them reminded me, when I needed it most, just how easy I am to love. How easy it is to show me that.

I thought saying goodbye to the man I loved would leave me feeling more alone than ever. Little did I know, it was just the opposite. I lost one person, but had a whole army standing right by my side.