An Honest Conversation, Scrolling Through Hinge With My Best Friend

By Erin Deborah Waks

No.

No.

In his dreams.

Absolutely not, Erin.

Why not?

Look at the picture again. Come on.

Yeah, I guess you’re right.

Ooooh look at his dog!

But you know I’m a cat person?

You can’t avoid all men who have dogs just because you prefer cats.

Fine. But they at least have to have a cute dog.

What about him, he’s cute? And he has a real job!

Yeah, but he’s blonde. You know I prefer a brunette.

Fair, valid. What about redheads?

I can absolutely get on board with a redhead. There’s just something about blondes that seems at odds with me.

This one is cute!

No, he’s from Surrey.

What?! You can’t just say no to a guy because he’s ‘from Surrey.’

Yeah, but like, what if he’s a classic posh boy with mummy problems?

Not every man from Surrey is a posh boy with mummy problems.

This one looks like he probably is, though.

*Sighs audibly*

I’m taking over for a bit [best friend proceeds to play with my Hinge profile out of my line of sight].

You having fun over there?

*Giggles mischievously*

I really am.

Found anyone good?

Just trust me.

I am not sure if I do.

Erin, I probably think higher of you than you do of yourself. Allow me to proceed.

Fine, but no emotionally closed off, distant, dismissive f*ckboys please.

This is a dating app, not an intensive personality test. I’m filtering by two questions only. One, is he cute? And two, do his basic facts make him seem like someone you could be on par with?

Okayyyy, I trust you. But please don’t embarrass me.

I won’t *giggles again mischievously*.

Let me seeeee

No. No. Next. Absolutely not. OHMIGOD A VOICENOTE (for those unfamiliar with Hinge, there is an option to record your voice and post it on your profile. God only knows what possesses men to do so, but it is truly divine. I thank Him for giving us this).

That’s the best thing I’ve ever heard.

*Laughs hysterically* 

Does he think women really want to hear stories like that before even meeting?

A real blessing.

Indeed.

Oh no, that’s my brother’s friend. Quick, pal, change the age restriction. I can’t be dating anyone who went to school with my younger brother.

Haha, that’s very valid. Updated. 

Erin, you have another match!

Oh fun, let me look! [Looks at matches] He’s not great, but the second one has potential. What did you say as the opening line?

I just made a pun about his dog pic.

[My turn to sigh] Here we go again.