23
By Erin Deborah Waks
I turned 23 today. My birthday is my favourite day of the year. I always want it to be the most perfect day, with everyone paying attention to me, and only me.
I thought this year would be no different. I braced myself for the possibility I’d be disappointed, in my friends and family, in the day itself, in celebrations. When expectations are this high for anything, it’s only inevitable some years are disappointing. Some are fabulous, yes, but others fall flat, usually when someone forgets it’s my birthday - or nothing particularly special happens to mark the day.
This year, though, I found something bizarre - I just didn’t care that much. Sure, I planned a fabulous day, having brunch with my family in Sydney, a special event in and of itself. It was, for the record, one of my favourite birthdays ever, thanks to a small handful of special people. But in reality, it felt much like any other day, and I realised I didn’t care that much about being at the centre of everything. I just wanted to be present.
In the past, when I was a different version of myself, a less happy one, everything rode on my birthday. When life felt hard around me, it was a saving grace, a day where my problems seemed to disappear. Having everyone show their love for me for one day was a brief break from my difficult relationship with myself, a reminder I was loved.
Today, though, I know my worth. I am happy - truly, genuinely happy - so a day for people to show how much they love me makes me feel no more worthy than any other day. It’s important, of course, to be reminded of how much I mean to my family and friends, but it’s not a lifeline to which I must cling. Only feeling loved on one day is an impossible task, full of pressure and disappointment, and is just a reminder of a low level of happiness every other day.
As I told my best friend when she called to wish me a happy birthday, this year my birthday doesn’t feel extraordinarily happy or special - because my ordinary level of happiness is so, so much higher than it’s ever been before.
