The Best Thing
By Erin Deborah Waks
I had a friend who, when prompted to divulge the best thing about his girlfriend, replied, ‘She’s really low-maintenance.’
Sorry, did I hear correctly? The best thing, the thing you love most, about the person who’s supposed to be your partner, is that she requires little effort? Is she a dog?
When asked, rather bluntly, to clarify what he meant by this, he went on to say that said girlfriend never ‘gave him any problems’, didn’t ‘cause hassle’, was ‘easygoing’ and mainly left him to his own devices during the week. I’ll keep them sufficiently anonymous for his benefit. The pair are no longer together, I hear. Go figure.
The thing is, it’s a message that’s unfortunately been entrenched into my subconscious for years. It’s certainly not the first time I’ve heard these words used to describe a romantic partner, almost always a female one.
It’s evident in the concept of a ‘Pick Me Girl’, a ‘one-of-the-boys’, this idea of women who don’t cause trouble, don’t get upset, never get jealous, and don’t experience a whole host of ‘girly’ emotions that supposedly have their partners shrugging and chuckling to each other - ‘Women, eh?’
It’s all fun and games - until it gets in the way of real relationships. I find myself all too often asking my partner if I’m too much, too high maintenance, when in fact I am exhibiting all of my own normal, and instinctive, behaviours. He always tells me I’m not.
But what if, instead of trying not to be high maintenance, I told myself that yes, I do have needs that require maintenance. I do get upset, and mess up, and need help with things. I sometimes want reassurance and, even though I know my self-worth comes from within, like to be reminded of it from the people around me. With all due respect, I don’t want someone’s favourite thing about me to be that I’m ‘low-maintenance’. Or even that I’m ‘easygoing’. Because I’m not.
I’d rather they thought I was kind, smart, passionate, talented, beautiful, witty, funny, caring, considerate, empathic, supportive, thoughtful, creative, outgoing, insightful, reflective, loyal, genuine, trustworthy. Just me.
I’ll defer to Chandler from Friends on this one; he reassured Monica with words better than I could ever write. ‘You’re not easy-going, but you’re passionate, and that’s good. And when you get upset about the little things, I think that I’m pretty good about making you feel better about that. And that’s good too. So, they can say that you’re high maintenance, but it’s okay, because I like… maintaining you.’
