Make Less Time
Photo credit @Erin Deborah Waks
By Erin Deborah Waks
I have a problem that recurs in my life again and again: I make time for everyone. My calendar is always jam-packed with coffee dates with friends, colleagues, old acquaintances. And for maybe 5 years, I’ve done nothing to change it.
Being in Morocco, I’ve spent about 2 months where the only person on most of my coffee dates was me. The ones with other people were few and far between, and a lovely addition to my perfect solo days.
You see, the thing is I will prioritise an old school friend almost as much as my best friend. I’ll pencil in time for random colleagues the same way I would my favourite cousins. I’ll help a friend of my hairdresser’s dog groomer over facetime as willingly as updating my closest circle on my life abroad. I have a really hard time telling people no, when it comes to my time. And I never really asked myself why.
But as I sit on yet another solo coffee date and unwillingly open my phone to a bunch of unread messages from old friends, it’s becoming abundantly clear. I see everyone, make time for everyone, because I’m anxious people won’t like me. I’m scared they will be angry with me. I’m apprehensive they will confront me, asking why I haven’t made them a priority. When, in truth, they aren’t. In fear of someone disliking me or being upset with, disappointed in or betrayed by me, I avoid even the possibility of such a conversation or discomfort by just making time for everyone. That, however, is becoming increasingly unsustainable, unenjoyable, and draining.
Why, though, does it even matter? Surely not everyone has to love me – or even like me. I certainly don’t love, or like, plenty of people. And the ones I really do love, is it the end of the world if once in a while they are angry with me for not seeing them as much as they would like? An apology would surely fix any momentary negligence if it ever arose, right? And, even more significantly, would my actual friends care at all? If I prioritised spending my free time with myself, on things I loved, on rest and relaxation, rather than packing my schedule full with them? As if our friendship depended on the number of hours spent together?
I can answer those questions more easily than I can answer a text telling someone I just don’t have the time for them right now. Funny, how I know myself inside out, but have a hard time disappointing others - even if it means protecting my own energy. So, friends, I’m socially *out of office* for the near future. It reflects little on how great of a person you are, or even how much I care about you, but I’m tired of spending all my time on others rather than having an abundance – too much, even – of it left for me. It doesn’t mean friendship over, it just means continue from a distance. It’s enough. There’s 24 hours in a day, I should at least spend one of them on me.
