In An Instant
By Erin Deborah Waks
I went for coffee with a friend today and I made her cry.
My greatest fear is something that I don’t like to say out loud, apprehensive that I’ll speak it into reality. And I told her.
I said I’m scared that, in an instant, someone I love will one day wake up and change their mind about me.
Because of something I’ve done, yes, but even more so because of no reason at all. I have this sense of dread that something will snap in a second, altering their view of me forever. And they will leave, unable to even look me in the eye. When I told my friend this, she teared up. She said it made her so sad to hear such honesty, but also that I articulated something so human, something she also felt so deeply, something that’s so, so hard.
Most of the time I can keep the fear at bay. It’s easy enough. I have healthy relationships, love people who are kind and consistent and communicate. Most of the time caring about someone is stable; it’s present in a look, a feeling, a gift, a favour, a memory. The stupid memes my brothers send me. The ‘I thought of you’ texts from my best friend. The Sunday morning debriefs with my flatmates. The way I feel around my boyfriend. Most of the time I am sure.
But love can feel so delicate. Sometimes I’m so scared to tip the balance, as though one mistake, saying one wrong thing, will make them wake up and realise I’m not quite as wonderful as they thought. Sometimes I feel that if I so much as make someone’s coffee wrong, they might change their mind about me.
That’s what’s so innately vulnerable about any relationship: it involves two people. Two people who might, perhaps, not always feel the same way about one another. It’s easier only to rely on myself.
But that’s also what makes relationships so special - that mutual dependance, the vulnerability, that is only meaningful because it can’t be guaranteed. It’s a choice. A decision two people make every day, a promise that promises nothing other than it can be broken.
We surround ourselves with flawed humans who might, one day, change their minds about us. I guess it’s just about choosing which ones are worth the risk.
