Effort
Photo by Cassidy Dickens on Unsplash
By Erin Deborah Waks
My way of showing affection is through doing. It's the way I know how to love.
I think I give the most thoughtful gifts, often ones that take hours to create. And I do mean create - I'm not one for splashing the cash, as creativity is one of my best assets; some of the best ones I've given involved drawing, painting, writing, graphic designing or baking. Little gives me more joy than seeing someone I love's face light up when they realise I listened to a small detail about them, or went out of my way for them.
And I think I do casual acts of service for people I love, ones I sometimes worry go unnoticed. But twice in the past week, I've been pulled up on how attentive I am. I like driving friends to appointments, remembering their coffee orders, cooking dinner, proofreading their essays, lending books, planning activities, sending cards and letters.
It's all intentional. Intentional effort. I get it wrong all the time - buying a gift someone didn't love, missing an important date, cooking a meal they were allergic to. But it comes from a place of caring so, so deeply.
The gerunds I use are indicative of my way of living: by doing. I find it hard to sit still and just be, it's easier if I'm in a state of constantly doing, improving, showing. I'm a problem-solver, a fixer, and when things aren't perfect I find it hard to relax. If someone feels off to me, I always feel the need to do something about it - to hug them, talk to them, understand. It's my way of dealing with anxiety, uncertainty.
Showing love gives me purpose and, growing up, became a huge part of determining my worth. I usually try to avoid even the possibility of upsetting someone by pre-empting anything they could need from me at all. I go above and beyond so as to avoid that sinking feeling of having let someone down, of not being a good enough friend, of not being good enough full stop.
It's not because I think others need to improve, it's that I usually believe I do. I need to understand people better, to have more patience, more empathy, more compassion. And, most of the time, to put in more effort. It's funny, to be honest I feel more loved from a long hug and quality time than with any amount of gifts or actions. It's interesting that all I want are simple things, yet feel like I need to dish out far more than that to others.
Sometimes, though, it's okay to sit still. To let the world exist around me without putting in quite so much effort to make things better. To let myself drop the ball, and trust that the people in my life love me enough that letting them down once in a while does not make me unlovable, unworthy.
Effort is good. Always. But effort doesn't have to look the same every single day. Sometimes I have love seeping out of me with every fibre of my being. Other times, though, I have only just enough for myself.
