Easy

By Erin Deborah Waks

The most important thing I’ve learnt about being in a relationship? How easy it should be. Simple. Clear. Uncomplicated.

No guessing games, just the pure, unbridled nervousness and awkwardness that comes with opening yourself up to someone new, proving to me that every near-miss in my life, every relationship I could’ve selected, every potential boyfriend I let pass me by, was for a reason. 

I always thought I was hard to love. I have no explanation as to why - plenty of wonderful people love me, and I love lots of special humans in return. But I think my refusal to even like myself when I was younger, the difficulty I had with my perception of myself, meant I couldn’t fathom how someone else could choose to love me.

I used to worry whenever I went on an unsuccessful date, or a dalliance fizzled out, that there was something wrong with me. That I had my bar set either far too high or way too low, that I was looking for something fictional, something that didn’t exist.

Every time I dated a new man I had questions swirling through my head. Ginormous questions you can’t possibly answer after just one date. Or two. Queries you can’t and shouldn’t be pondering if you’re really in the moment with someone. Feelings you can’t process overnight. 

My best friend put it best when she told me, ‘Erin, you don’t have to know for sure. All you should feel is that you want to lean in.’ I didn’t know what she meant, and played her mantra through my head over and over again. 

Turns out, knowing and learning yourself inside and out does pay off. Every date where my instinct was to close myself off wasn’t out of fear, it was out of a deep understanding of myself I wasn’t even aware I possessed. Every time I leaned back in my chair, hoped he wouldn’t try to hold my hand, felt compelled to pay for my own drink, it wasn't a fear of intimacy. It was my body’s way of telling me it wasn’t right. 

I did worry I’d never find something that was. 

But here I am, leaning so far in I might fall. So far I kind of want to. Maybe I already have.