The Word Purpose Makes Me Claustrophobic

By Ana Shaw

‘Purpose’. The world literally makes me feel claustrophobic. The idea that there is some sort of goal for one's being, a task to be completed. It’s just so much pressure. Why do I have to exist in the ‘right’ way? Why do I have to prove that I’ve ‘passed’ the test of life?

The idea that we were born with a purpose is a form of deception created by humans to escape the mundanity of existence. This is just cruel. I didn’t ask to be born - none of us did - and life is so demanding already. Why make it harder with the pressure of fulfilling some pre-existing purpose? It just seems so unfair. Life doesn’t need to be this daunting task, or some kind of challenge, it’s to be lived and enjoyed. So why do we overcomplicate it so much? It’s just about being.

‘I exist, that is all, and I find it nauseatin,’ is my favourite quote by Jean-Paul Sartre. Those who are familiar with the works of Sartre will also be familiar with the phrase ‘existence precedes essence’. Three beautiful words, which seem to take so much weight off my shoulders. Put simply, the fact that we exist comes first, and everything else follows. Life is completely and utterly meaningless. It’s heavy, but it’s also good.

Before I came across this concept, I was constantly filled with this never-ending sense of dread. I was (and still am, but for different reasons) terrified of the world. 

I felt like everything I was doing was wrong, I felt so much pressure to perform, and be what I was ‘supposed’ to be. I was obsessed with finding my purpose, and I was scared of running out of time. 

Until one day, everything seemed to just fall into place. Except, it didn’t, not really. I just realised I didn’t have to prove myself. I didn’t have to be anything. 

Suddenly life just wasn’t so serious. 

I felt free.

I stopped feeling stupid. I began smiling at people more, sitting outside and doing absolutely nothing, and romanticising things as tiny as locking my door when I went out. Suddenly, I was part of the game that so many other people were playing. And, to my surprise, it was actually fun. I no longer spent nights staring at the ceiling wondering what was going to happen after I died. I stopped thinking about any kind of end, because truthfully? It just doesn’t matter. Seriously, when it comes to this bigger picture stuff that is completely suffocating? 

It does not matter. 

Coming to understand that we are just alive, and there’s no huge reason or plan behind it, was probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I look forward to waking up every morning now, I look forward to feeling, I look forward to loving, I look forward to doing things as simple as getting ready in the morning.

As I write this, I can see the most beautiful sunset glimpsing through the clouds. It looks like a painting. The air is crisp and still, there are birds flying in and out of the canvas, and it makes me feel peaceful. It’s one of those views that can’t be done justice by a phone camera, but I will leave you with the picture anyway.