Rules

By Erin Deborah Waks

I'm really good at following rules.

Really, really good at it.

If I’m told not to drink and drive, not to take drugs, not to have sex with random boys and not to eat too much sugar, I won’t. I don’t. It’s as simple as that.

And most of the time it serves me well. I never forgot my homework when I was at school and I’ve never missed a deadline at work. I’ve never done anything illegal - I’ve never even driven above the speed limit. I don’t forget people’s birthdays and I always, always show up for things on time. For work, yes, but also for every arbitrary appointment I make myself. If I say I’ll go to the gym at 7am, you’d best believe by 7.10am I’m already sweaty.

What I never saw was the dark side beneath my love for all things order and control. I’m never late because I’m scared doing something wrong, even minor, will make people dislike me. For years I only ate a certain number of calories per day, in fear of gaining weight as though that’s the worst possible thing that could happen. I work so, so hard because for years my self-worth rested on my academic ability and intellectual skill.

It’s occurred to me many times that my love of rules may not be the healthiest way of living. I’ve spent the last few years learning to let go. I went traveling without a carefully planned itinerary, staying longer than I had initially intended. I skipped workouts, and sometimes (18-year-old me would be disapproving) went a week without running. I stopped being vegan after my doctor informed me I had a severe iron deficiency. 

2024 isn’t going to be the year where I give up total control. I’m still going to be 15 minutes early for work every day, still going to drive within the speed limit. I’m going to drink my coffee at the same time every day and have some weekly rituals I must follow down to the letter.

But I’ll also drink a bit too much sometimes. I’ll skip a workout every now and then so I can lie in bed. I’ll listen to music rather than educational podcasts on the bus. I’ll make pancakes with my brothers and lounge around on the weekends I can spend with them. I’ll get the train to see my best friend just because I miss her. I’ll have a burger with my boyfriend - and I’ll enjoy it. And, sometimes, I’ll cancel all my pre-booked, pre-organised plans just to lie in bed and watch a movie.

I guess some rules are made to be broken.