Day by Day: on fighting depression stigma, recovering, and finding peace

Gaining Perspective, Valle del Jerte, March 2022

By Margot McDonald

I used to believe that Epicureans were the silliest of people, and a stoic life was the only way forward. That engaging in any pleasure, no matter how insignificant, was not the key to living properly. What I wanted for my future self , I would only achieve with a ‘be hard on yourself’ or ‘work until you drop’ mentality. Fun and self-care, and ultimately mental health, had to come second. It took me several depressive episodes, one burnout and debilitating physical symptoms to understand that the way I was living - constantly stressed and full of anxiety  about the future -  was never going to be conducive to a fulfilling and happy life.

For a long time, I have thought about writing about this. Depression, although probably the ‘zeitgeist’ of the 21st century, is still a taboo subject. I think that maybe writing about my battle and subsequent recovery will help work towards beating the stigma around this life-threatening illness. Bear in mind that what worked for me might not work for someone else. 

Battling and recovering from depression was the most terrifying thing I have had to do in my 20s thus far. I was processing all of the trauma I had accumulated throughout my childhood and teenage years. Such events mainly entailed planning for a future in a world that I felt was extremely uncertain, dealing with COVID, the death of loved ones and mostly the pressure social media put on our generation whilst we were still so impressionable, at the age of 13 or 14, when we were just stepping into adolescence. I thought, at the time, I had the tools to deal with all of this: I built myself an armour I thought would withstand stepping into what was an adult life.

What I came to understand  through recovery were two things: that I had, without a doubt, internalised a deadly critical voice inside of me that controlled every single aspect of my life,and, worst of all, that I’d gotten used to it. I thought it was a part of me, so I accepted it.

Like I said, I believed that this voice could be the best sword to battle all of the difficulties I had to encounter, and would continue to encounter for the rest of my life. Until I had completely burnt myself out and, frankly, become my very own middle school bully. 

Recovery was realising that this voice, whether it was blaming me, criticising me, or belittling me, was not an innate part of me. It was just something I thought would help me to progress in my personal and professional life. Even if it meant shattering my limbic nervous system - and my inner peace.

Recovery was also accepting that I was submerged by this voice, and that I could not get out by myself. I needed treatment and therapy to help me get back on my feet. I needed to accept I'd reached rock bottom and could not help myself up alone.

Finally getting the diagnosis for PPPD, persistent postural perceptive dizziness, was a huge part of the process. Engaging in forms of exercise which my brain gradually perceived as safe taught me to enjoy movement again, was another ‘huzzah!’ moment. 

When recovering from depression, I had to be consistent with one thing: exercise. Whether it was long walks, dancing and shaking your body, weightlifting, swimming, getting endorphins on a daily basis helped me to re-settle the chemical imbalance which defined my depression. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy was equally as important. It was there to help me understand my brain’s mechanisms in dealing with depressive thoughts, anxious thoughts, suicidal thoughts, and so on, so it helps you in the long run. 

I believe that by distancing yourself from these thoughts you may have on the daily, recovery can become a lot easier. An anxious thought about your career goals then becomes just a thought. And that thought then does not seem as scary.

In the thick of my depression, I read the recovery story of John Kirwan, one of New Zealand’s ex-All Black’s players, and never thought I’d be able to tell my own story. Kirwan went through depression, and intrusive suicidal thoughts: he managed to get to the other side. I remember telling myself, ‘If a human being has been through what I went, survived, and recovered, then why the hell can’t I?’ His words still rings in my head, and they have become a mantra: ‘Yesterday is gone from my control, so I don’t worry about it. I can make decisions that will feed my soul and give me the life that I can feel good about.’ That is all. Day by day. The rest will follow.

I know I am lucky to be able to arrive at such a point that I can write about this, taking a few steps back and gaining some perspective. I am still in my 20s, and uncertainty prevails around this part of my life, but I have learnt to take things slowly. Enjoy the journey. Learn about other’s recovery stories. Do the things I love, and do them from a place that is not driven by fear of failure, but by passion and confidence. Be in the present moment and don’tplan too far ahead. Be kind to myself.