Back To Mine
By Erin Deborah Waks
This morning I had my coffee on the sofa while staring out of the window of my apartment. Which seems so insignificant. But it’s my first real apartment. The first one I pay for myself. With my own salary. From my own job.
It’s hard to measure, to express, exactly how it makes me feel. It’s far from the first time I’ve moved out, not even the furthest I’ve lived from home (indeed, quite the opposite). But it’s the first time I’ve felt a real sense of nesting, or financial independence, of longevity in a new space. Of adulthood.
The day-by-day reality of moving out is hardly new to me. But this time it represents something different. This time, it’s moving out without looking back, without a deadline, without a backup option. And I kind of love it.
What’s strange is how inconsequential, natural even, it feels most of the time, but with momentary glimpses of pure childish excitement - at the most seemingly random of moments.
Like when I had that first coffee on my first morning here, entirely alone.
Or when I found a cockroach on my bedroom floor, freaked out a bit, and then realised I had to - and could - handle it by myself.
When it occurred to me that, without a kettle, it’s pretty hard to make tea. Until I remembered I could boil hot water on the stove, so made myself a cup of tea the old-fashioned way.
When I moved all my belongings up the (several) flights of stairs without the help of my parents.
When I had a craving for soup, so threw a hoodie on and went out to buy some for dinner.
When my friends and I ordered our first takeaway after moving in, and opening the door to the baffled Deliveroo driver who had no idea what this particular order represented for us.
When my boyfriend gave me a housewarming gift and made me realise I get to be with someone who wants to jump on board with all my chaotically organised logistics and be involved in even the mundane parts of my life - grocery shopping, WiFi installing and bedsheet changing included.
When I realised I can walk to places that before required two trains - and for the citadine I am, that is really something quite special.
And, above all, when I realised that when I use the phrase ‘back to mine,’ I really do mean it now.
